Top tips to survive the big day

The art of... being festive

IT’S the most won-der-ful time . . . of the year! Jingle belling all the way, warming chestnuts slightly on a radiator and wearing a tinsel headband.

Eating stale mince pies, kissing people under the mistletoe and getting a written warning for sexual harassment at the works do. Why can’t the whole year be as much fun as this?

Christmas is about spending time with your family, seeing joy in the faces of young children and falling out over the rules of a new board game. Being festive is the only way you can survive it with a smile.

First job is to get yourself a tree. There’s great debate about real versus fake and there will never be agreement. I think they’re all lovely but would say you only have to look at Jordan to see how things can get out of hand.

Generally, flashing is frowned upon in this country but at Christmas it’s essential. We have lights on our tree, our fireplace, front and back windows, in the porch and around the toilet bowl, understatement adding a touch of class.

Hopefully Santa will come and all the threats you made to your children about their behaviour will be vindicated.

I recommend the frantic emptying of your stocking to remove oranges, apples and bits of coal (that’s for older readers) so you can see if the big man has delivered what you ordered. Once said item has been located I suggest you savour every tear, rip and revelation until… oh, right. Did I ask for an ice scraper?

At dinner the turkey gets stuffed then so does everyone else. It’s not a great time for turkeys really but it’s their own fault for voting for it.

All the trimmings should be there and if you’re being festive then you’ve got to have a bit of everything. As my Mum always says, “Grandma doesn’t like sprouts and she eats them at Christmas so you should too.”

When pulling crackers it’s about the winning not the taking part. Dads have to wear their paper hat in a way that makes everyone else want to adjust it and read the jokes with unbridled enthusiasm.

Then, as the evening progresses, you can treat yourself to a bit of indigestion as you look forward to turkey sandwiches, turkey salad and turkey soup in the days ahead.

The children should be worn out by now so you can settle down to watch someone die in “EastEnders”.

Despite being mesmerised by the magic and the make believe, kids are still astute enough not to miss a thing. “You got lots of socks Dadda. You must have been a really naughty boy.”

It’s just the most won-der-ful time of the year.