How not to get lost for words

The art of . . . PUBLIC SPEAKING

For many people, speaking in public is one of life’s great fears.

The idea of putting yourself on a pedestal, or a beer crate, and talking to a crowd at a meal or a party can be terrifying. What if I forget what I’m saying? What if they don’t want to listen? Why is that man about to throw a spoon full of trifle at me?

These are justified fears, especially with you being so unpopular generally, but hopefully with my help, you’ll never again have to share the dread of your audience at the beginning of a humiliating five minutes of mumbling! Seriously though, you just need to read on.

The first point to remember is something I’ve learnt from experience, they’re not expecting much. A master of ceremonies recently said to me, “Are you ready yet or shall I let them continue enjoying themselves?”

Secondly, it doesn’t matter how many people are in the room, all you have to do is connect with one of them. That’s all, just one imaginary person who is absolutely fascinated by you. I recommend ignoring the real audience because there’s a good chance they won’t like you.

And thirdly, remember that a bit of booing never did anyone any harm.

Experts reckon a good speech should be like a nice skirt, long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep them interested. If you don’t strike oil within 10 minutes, you should probably stop boring and sit down. It’s advisable not to outstay your welcome. I can tell you there’s nothing worse than when people start walking out halfway through your first sentence.

However serious and important the message of your speech is, it’s the jokes they’ll remember. The most important thing when telling them is not to acknowledge when nobody laughs. It’s crucial after a painfully long silence that you avoid saying things like, “but seriously”, “anyway” and “joking apart”. You may as well hold a sign up that says, “That was a rubbish joke”. I’ve used that sign on a couple of occasions just to drive the point home.

Unless you’re a tart with a huge ego who likes the sound of their own voice, knowing your speech inside out is the only way to calm your nerves and give you confidence. Drinking vodka is another option but I suggest the best plan is rehearse extensively. After all, Mark Twain said it takes three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech! Joking apart though, it does take a while.

Having said this, even a pro like me can clam up on occasion. My words got stuck once during a talk at the HP Sauce factory. Luckily someone tipped me upside down and patted my backside until they came out.


Next week: The Art of Exaggeration