Grow your own, you can almost taste the manure...

The art of . . . GARDENING

It used to be thought that you needed green fingers to be good at gardening. Then someone realised that the pesticides that were turning them green probably weren’t good for your vegetables.

Yes, you had nurtured a ridiculously big courgette but really, who wants fingers like that?

For those who enjoy gardening, there a few things more satisfying. It should be done in spurts with a smile. A trim of a rose bush here, a removal of weed there, a paving over of a big area of grass there because cutting it takes too much effort.

There’s a time to plant and a time to prune and most importantly a time to sit back and admire your handiwork.

Osteopaths are particularly keen on gardening. They don’t do it themselves but they make a fortune from those who thought they’d just turn that flower bed over.

My grandad had a neat little trick to protect his back which was to get me to do it.

Once you’ve got a garden or allotment, all you need is some secateurs, a trowel, a watering can and some ready made hanging baskets from the garden centre.

For your beds you’ve got perennials, annuals (Girls Aloud 2009 is brilliant) and biennials. Bulbs can add colour but the environmentally friendly ones do take ages to blossom.

Lots of people are now growing their own vegetables and if you get good manure you can really taste it. It’s much more satisfying than buying veg from a supermarket although you do have to accept it doesn’t come out washed, sliced and vacuum packed.

Expert help is available on every street in the UK if you need it. I get mine from Keith next door. A while ago he said, “Isn’t it time you sorted out that rainforest you call a lawn?”

I took his advice and a found a soggy old tennis ball within minutes which was an unexpected bonus.

The sworn enemies of gardeners are slugs and snails. If B&Q sold infra-red pellet guns they’d do a roaring trade and exhausted gardeners would be up all night at their bedroom window scanning their gegonias.

Finally, if you want to mix things up you could always try naked gardening which is becoming increasingly popular in areas where they can’t get Channel Five.

I considered mowing the lawn in the nude recently and asked my wife what the neighbours might think. She said, “They’ll probably think I married you for your money.”


Next week: The Art of Being Out There