It’s a little twinge and splash go the waters

YOU know you’re getting old when you take Him Indoors away for a romantic weekend and you both end up falling asleep on the ginormous bed while watching — of all things — “Hotel Babylon”.

So, there we were, in a room big enough to fit our flat into — hey, it had a bed bigger than our flat — with a view of the Thames, a mini bar (not that I was allowed to sample the delicacies therein, my man knows a thing or two about mini bar prices) and a flat screen TV bigger than the bed . . . and did we make the most of it? You bet we did.

We watched Maria have her baby in Corrie then Anna have hers in “Hotel Babylon”.

Exhausted? I was that worn out with all the puffing and blowing, romance was the last thing on my mind. If not on his.

You’ve got to hand it to these actresses, it’s realism all the way. That, and 10-minute labours. They’ve got it wrapped up.

I tried labour four times and never broke the 15-hour record once — indeed I was in for the marathon a couple of times.

But then there were no script writers and no commercial breaks during my own personal little dramas. It all happens so quickly on the small screen: a little twinge and splash go the waters; a couple of screams, several grunts, some perfect breathing and Bob’s your uncle . . . or rather Liam’s your son.

In the real world, we start off with backache and spend the next 17 hours wondering whether this is it . . . or maybe not.

By the time we decide to make that dash to hospital we’ve only got another 10, or possibly 20, hours to go. Phew, that was a close call.

But it’s the breathing which gives it away. Antenatal classes would have you believe that short pants put you in control, when in reality every mum knows that it’s a cunning plot on the part of midwives to take your mind off the real business.

Once those contractions start coming faster than electricity bills, the only controlled breathing is done between screams as you drag in a fresh lungful of air.

But pretend-babies are so much better than the real thing — every new mum on the small screen brings their beautiful bouncing baby home in the tightest of tight jeans (or in the case of Anna of “Hotel Babylon” fame, a designer frock and killer heels). I needed a marquee. A big one.

Things don’t change much. I’m still trying to regain my pre-baby figure. He’s 18 this year.