Cracking women’s code of silence

In the Eighties, I had my head shaved, for reasons I shan’t bore you with now, alright it was all to do with fashion although I never told my 90 year old grandma that.

I said it was for a part in a play. She didn’t buy it, you don’t live to be 90 and let a corker like that pass you by. However she was silent.

Not the “I approve” silence, no, more like the “I can see what you’re doing” silence which are two completely different silences.

When I was young and into doing crazy things like shaving my head and shopping at charity shops and, well that was it really, God forbid I actually tatooed myself or got my nose pierced or anything, I would have been grounded for, like, well, forever man.

When I was into being young and crazy, I had no idea why someone would have so many different silences for so many different occasions.

Yet now as a married woman with the one child I have realised that these silences are sent to us females via some form of genetic pre-disposition.

Us women have an historic handbook detailing these silences and their goals handed down to us via some mysterious portal.

Like the silence we hold when being told about “this fantastic car we saw on ebay/in the paper/a mate selling it/just on the street.”

The aim of that silence being a Sunday afternoon wandering around a reputable garage forecourt and purchasing a decent car that we women would like to drive.

Another being “no, the kitchen won’t get finished this weekend because the football/rugby/cricket is on.”

Again this particular one leading to a threat about the £5,000 it will cost him to hire in some professional to finish the job.

Why, these are only two speculative reasons for a simple silence.

Our silences can go on for days and I’ve realised, thanks Granny, that these silences are better than any threat or shouting match.

These silences mean you “are really upset.”

Not the I’ll get over it in a minute upset but “Really Upset,” and this in the end is the deal breaker.

A Really Upset woman isn’t worth a football match or a new car.

Thank goodness men think we spend all our time gossiping.

With state secrets like these being released I could be done for treason.