You’re not going to believe this but...

THE ART OF GOSSIPING

Now I’m not one for gossip, but a little bird has told me that it’s a pretty popular pastime and I’ve heard you already know quite a bit about it.

Anyway, gossiping is basically the sharing or spreading of what could be considered sought-after information. It’s usually intimate or sensational and is great fun as long as you’re not the subject of it.

Essentially your revelations should be new but all good gossip also has a shock value.

You need to locate your local grapevine because this is where it grows. To harvest really juicy morsels you also need to nurture the grapevine with tit bits of your own. Give gossip freely and it will flow back to you in return.

Your ears always need to be pricked up for the next big revelation. When rumours spread like wildfire, it’s your job to be there wafting the flames at the beginning and the more scandalous they are, the better. Remember, being first with the news is always more important than being factually correct.

“You’re not going to believe this…” is the best way to introduce gossip and when preparing to dispense it, it’s customary to perform an obvious and exaggerated look around to check for spies before leaning forward into your gossip delivery pose.

What you want is reactions like, “Never!” or “Give over, that’s astonishing!” What you don’t want is, “Oh yes, I know. Jenny told me that last week.” If this happens regularly, a whole scale review of your access to the grapevine may be required.

Malicious gossip is a rumour which just might be true that is being spread enthusiastically by those who would do the subject harm. It can damage relationships and reputations and shouldn’t be passed on unless it’s an absolute cracker.

Of course, gossiping is nothing new and let’s be honest, it’s not very nice. In ancient Greece, the great philosopher Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom and his disdain for gossips.

If someone approached him with idle tittle-tattle he would demand they pass the Test of Three. The first test being whether they knew for sure it was true. The second was whether it was something good and the third test was whether it was useful. If the answer wasn’t yes to all three, he didn’t want to hear it.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife. But you didn’t hear that from me.

Next week . . . The Art of Camping.