The Art of Sleeping

HAVING a nap, catching some zzzzzs, treating yourself to a snooze. Going to bed early, getting up late, snuggling up and having a bit of shut eye.

All these are variations of sleep and what a wonderful bedfellow it is.

Sleep is a naturally recurring state of relatively suspended sensory and motor activity, characterised by total or partial unconsciousness and the inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles. Strange then, that women think men are totally responsible for the fact that they snore.

The average adult needs seven or eight hours a day. For young children it’s crucial to their development, you grow when you’re asleep, but it’s only when they become teenagers that they’ll start to demand 17 hours a day on a weekend.

Some people pride themselves on being able to sleep anywhere. “I sleep like a log, me.” they say, as if having a disdain for comfort is a talent. My dad’s well known for it.

He once got up to see to a crying baby in the night and a few minutes later my mum had to get up as well and climb over him. He was asleep on the nursery floor.

Falling asleep in public can be embarrassing, especially if the sambucas were your idea. Once well drunk, you’re not too fussy about where you lay your hat. Night club dance floors, park benches and even inappropriate people’s beds will do.

Waking up tends to be the real problem if you’re asleep in public though. There are few things more excruciating than coming round with a snort on a packed train.

Perhaps the next moment when a stranger suggests you wipe the dribble from your chin is one of them.

Sleeping with the enemy can be a risky business but I suppose that’s what married life is all about. If when you open your eyes in a morning you can gaze adoringly at the snoring lump beside you, you’re set up for life.

And if you’ve not had any sleep for a while you’ll certainly know about it. When you’re body decides it can stay awake no longer you yawn like a hippopotamus, one eye begins to twitch and you desperately raise your eyebrows and attempt to lift your eyelids. But it’s to no avail.

Within seconds you know you’ll be gone and you are. Then the lights change and people behind you start beeping.

And the final word goes to those poor souls who can’t get to sleep. It’s no wonder you’ve got insomnia if you just lie there awake all night is it? Just re-read these columns and if that doesn’t help I’d suggest you try to sleep right on the edge of the bed. I’m sure you’ll drop off in no time.


Next week . . . The Art of Jigsawing.