Manners: it’s common courtesy

THE ART OF BEING POLITE: If manners maketh the man, there’s work to be done with our youngest.

He recently burped before announcing, “I burp!” My wife said, “No. What do you say?”

And he replied, “Ahhhhhh buuurrrpp!” as he lifted his arms in celebration.

Instilling manners and politeness in a child is one of a parent’s main jobs, alongside making them eat vegetables and teaching them to play blackjack.

It’s a challenge because there really is no calling for politeness in the animal kingdom and that after all, is where we are originally from.

By all means take time out to deal with drawing on the wall and weeing in the kitchen cupboard, but what needs serious pressure and most concentration from you is the mission to get your politeness project to say please, thank-you and excuse me.

These are the words your offspring’s future mother-in-law will be listening out for the first time she meets them.

Once they’re on board with the pleasantries of exchanging objects, they can move on to apologies for bodily functions which, while appearing fun, are actually considered uncouth.

Politeness should become automatic so after a while there should be no need for raised eyebrows or crossed arms to beckon out a begrudging, “Peees.”

Those who happen to enjoy talking with their mouth full and pushing into queues may question what all the fuss is about.

Why, they may also wonder, can’t the English tell a woman if she’s got her dress tucked in her knickers as she walks down the high street? Because that would be rude and common courtesy costs nothing.

If you want to be polite you should avoid saying awkward or inappropriate things to people you don’t know. Asking strangers questions like, “So why did she leave you?” and “Do you want me to finish that chop?” are certainly not good etiquette although it’s never stopped my dad.

But the rules of politeness do vary around the world.

In China for example their concept of personal body space is very different to ours and it’s not considered impolite to spit or stare.

In England you’re not even supposed to stare if a someone sits on your knee on a bus and begins spitting.

You do have to move with the times though because, like everything else, politeness continues to evolve. Apparently, on a night out in Oldham it’s now no longer the done thing to open a door for a lady, it’s actually more polite to carry them through it and hold them up until their friends arrive. If you’ve been out recently, you probably already know about that one.

Next week . . . The Art of Laughter.