Pav's Patch: What is the point of pot plants?

I HEARD on the radio the other morning that there is to be a clampdown on office pot plants as part of the Government’s cuts. If so, I can only applaud the powers that be. Blooming great.

It may surprise you to know that I hate pot plants — and especially in the office environment. In my experience, people pay more attention to the plants than they do to their work.

Twenty years ago, I worked for a newspaper where a large pot plant of some kind stood in the midst of the wasteland behind the editor’s desk. He never threw anything away, and never adjusted anything. Consequently there were bin bags full of paper — because he wouldn’t adjust the printer — competition prizes for which competitions had never been organised, broken chairs, old books, and a knackered duplicator.

The plant was in a terrible state, almost devoid of leaves. It probably suffered from the fumes from the cigarette which the editor almost always had in the corner of his mouth — it was removed only to curse his staff — and I’m not sure that anyone ever watered it.

Then, one press day, the busiest morning of the week, two girls from accounts arrived to wash the plant. I kid you not, they came in to wash it, and the editor let them. No problem that we all had our tripes out or, indeed, that the women in question should have been counting beans across the corridor.

My current office is full of plants. In fact, I have had to build a mini-wall to protect my desk from the encroaching leaves of all manner of green things.

Every morning my colleague makes it his first job to water the things, rather than getting down to his job and brewing up for me.

Now, I know we have to have plants — oxygen, photosynthesis and all that — but what’s nice about your average thing in a pot? I love trees and rolling countryside but pot plants, you might as well just paint a light bulb green and stand it in some soil.

As for cactuses (cacti sounds so pretentious) well, they’re just plain ugly. What purpose do they serve outside a desert?

It may amaze you to know that I have no garden to my first-floor flat, no window box and not a single, solitary plant. The best I do is a poinsettia at Christmas and a bit of holly.

Believe me, I have better things to do than water ugly bits of green. As for flowers, their smell reminds me of funerals.