Small pest can be a big nuisance

THE ART OF CATCHING FLIES:

Few things fill a human being with murderous intent quite like a fly buzzing around their head.

Even if you’re feeling mild-mannered and enjoying a lovely day, it’s likely you’ll soon be swinging for it with every intention of doing it some harm.

We’re not so cocky when dealing with wasps and here people tend to fall into two groups. Those who stand firm like a warrior statue while mumbling “it’ll go. It’ll go.” and those who run around squealing “get it off me. Get it off me!”

With spiders, even knowing the way the female of that species treats the male, most people will happily carry them outside and set them free.

But when there’s a fly in our house, an incessant buzz has us reaching for a rolled up newspaper.

It’s not how they used to get a grip of them in the olden days. Whenever I looked gormless and open mouthed in the company of my grandad, he would chuckle and ask me if I was catching flies.

So I can only assume that’s how they went about it years ago which makes me think people must have wasted a lot of time sat slack-jawed as a fly continued to bounce off a gas lamp.

But the modern way is to go on the attack, chasing the poor little thing around with the aforementioned newspaper, a magazine or, for the completely psychotic, a fly swatter (an indication of premeditation).

Whatever the weather, you should first open a window for a fly and give it a chance. If, after 30 seconds it’s failed to do the right thing and go, the temptation to start chasing it will become irresistible.

Luckily for the fly and your conscience, it’s unlikely the hunt will be successful.

It’s astonishing to think that evolution has prepared a fly to spot a riled up human approaching from any angle. After a bout of frustrated swinging, opening the window wider will probably be your best next move.

However annoying a fly is, I can’t imagine many people would be in favour of those electric fly killers you get in most chippies and butchers. To hear a buzz end abruptly with a crackle and a flash leaves spectators feeling remorseless and slightly ashamed.

Unless the fly has just been near your pudding, chips and gravy. In that case, that dirty buzzer should consider itself lucky that you didn’t get to it first.


Next week: The Art of Using Spittle