Using spit does not make you polished

THE ART OF USING SPITTLE:

There are some things children promise themselves they’ll never do when they become parents.

One is snogging in the kitchen in the presence of any kids and another is using a bit of spit to wipe breakfast off their child’s face in the school playground.

Trouble is, once you do become an adult and have the responsibility of ensuring your offspring are presentable, you’re constantly having to think on your feet when presented with a grubby little face as the bell rings.

For me, a sense of regret is unavoidable. How could I have let this happen again when, only yesterday, I committed to always giving her the once over with a sponge before we set off?

As I crouch down to assess whether I should lick my finger or thumb, I’m subjected to flashbacks of incidents when I was the victim of such a crime.

I’ll never forget the time my mum spent what felt like a lifetime rubbing away at some Weetabix which was ingrained on my cheek. Other students in the foyer of my university hall just looked on in horror...

There are other uses for spit. Once it was used for polishing. It was most popular straight after the war when people spent approximately a third of their life polishing things. Mainly shoes, brass and doorsteps, but as it was in the days before telly, I’m sure other things came into contention as well.

For teenage boys, spitting is something which can be used to make them look cool in front of peers and they do it almost as much as they swear. It was never really my forte. I remember numerous occasions when I hit one of my shoes as I sauntered nonchalantly into school.

I also had an unfortunate talent for doing those spits which somehow don’t fully detach from the spit which remains in your mouth. You then have to jump backwards when the string of spit swings towards you as gravity takes hold.

This is an example of how spit can leave your mouth in ways you’re not entirely pleased with but ignorance can be bliss.

Those who spray it rather than say it often seem completely unaware of the impact of their chit chat.

If people get a little hand towel out whenever you start speaking it might be that you are yourself a sprayer. Could that be possible?

Actually, don’t answer. No-one likes a soggy newspaper.


Next week . . . The Art of Generalisation.