Annoyance is a vexed issue

Being annoyed is one of the most popular pastimes in Britain.

It’s right up there with drinking tea, having suicidal thoughts because of the weather and losing at penalties. We should take pride in the fact that no matter how well things are going, we can generally find something to whinge about.

The whole point of being annoyed is that you let things get to you and under your skin, no matter how insignificant they may appear to the casual observer.

In fact, it really winds me up when these so called casual observers dismiss my right to be annoyed. Anyway, whatever happens, it’s not right. Whatever is said, you have to take it wrong.

Some people are absolute naturals. They get annoyed about everything and by everyone and spend every waking moment stomping round in a grump, wondering what disastrous disappointment will slap them in the face next. If only someone would slap them.

If you grasp opportunities when they come, it’s quite possible to get annoyed wherever you are and whenever you feel like it — at home (if someone’s eaten all the biscuits), at work (if you’re expected to work), at a party (if someone else is wearing the same leather hot pants) and on holiday (if it’s too hot/cold/wet/expensive/foreign).

You’re not aiming for angry, what you want is a bit vexed. You don’t want to be furious but you need to be more than miffed.

By now, you’ll probably feel compelled to tell someone about the state you’re in. “You know what, I’m really annoyed! I’m actually, really, really annoyed.” I’d also recommend pushing your lips together and out, closing your eyes and embarking upon a slow, frustrated headshake.

But don’t worry that you’ll have to do all the work yourself, other people’s habits will provide fertile ground for your annoyance to grow. I saw a nun wearing one the other week and I wanted to swing for her. It was far too big.

Snoring, picking your nose and cracking your knuckles can also rub people up the wrong way.

Then there’s the things people say! “Can I ask you a question?” Well it’s a bit late now isn’t it. When you’re stood at a bus stop, “Has the bus been yet?” And my favourite, “I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.” I get that last one a lot.

Unfortunately, and ironically, the more annoyed you get with life the more annoying you yourself will become. People will start to shun and avoid you because they think you’re a misery who just gets irritated all the time. Before long you’ll be sat in your front room, watching repeats of the Vicar of Dibly, and despite the comedy gold before you, you won’t have smiled for months. Now that’s got to be a bit annoying.


Next week . . . The Art of being Musical.