Learn with Kev: The Art of Being Musical: Sweet music . . . you can whistle for it

IF you ask most people what their one regret is in life, there’s a good chance they’ll say it’s that they never learned to play a musical instrument. Sadly, I too am in that group — but not through lack of trying.

One of my earliest memories is of banging a pan with a spoon on the kitchen floor.

The song says the rhythm is gonna get you but for some reason it didn’t. The recorder followed at primary school, three blind mice being a particular favourite although admittedly, quite a challenge.

I attempted the piano next, plonkity plonk. Plank. Plonk. There were some beautiful moments but some terrible quarters of an hour. I answered a knock at the front door and a man said, “Hello, I’m the piano tuner.” I said I haven’t ordered one. He said, “I know.”

Undeterred, I decided to join a band because if you’re going to attract the opposite sex, it really helps if you’re a rock star.

Unfortunately, the only band that would have me was a brass one. I found it’s not that easy to wink at potential groupies if you’re marching, cheeks puffed, in the shadow of an overweight trombone player. I asked one female fan if she wanted to make sweet music. She said I could whistle for it. I had to admit that I probably couldn’t.

I’d hoped my music was better than it sounded but I eventually had to concede it wasn’t working for anyone’s ears.

Nevertheless, I still have some tips for you. If you want to be musical you’ve got to hit the right notes in the right order and timing is everything. It does help if you know a bit of musical parlance:

1. A flat minor is when you drop a piano down a mine shaft.

2. A flat major is when you drop a piano on an army base

3. Chords are trousers worn by librarians.

4. The English horn is neither English nor a horn and not to be confused with the French horn which is German.

If you can’t play an instrument then you can share the gift of song although not everyone’s share is equal.

The best places to sing are in the shower, enthusiastically while stopped at traffic lights or on “The X-Factor” in front of millions of people, especially if you’re rubbish.

Be warned though, being musical isn’t generally a fast track to fame and fortune. If two people walking down the street and one of them is a musician, there’s a good chance the other one will be unemployed as well.

Having said that, there’s a busker in Liverpool who just pretends to play Beatles songs on a cardboard cut out of a guitar and he makes an absolute fortune. People tip him for his cheek. It makes me wish I’d learned to play one of those at school.


Next week… the art of being natural