The Art of Swinging; Handbags at 50 paces . . . not car keys in a bowl

Firstly, it’s important to say that this isn’t the kind of swinging which may have titillated some of the grubbier minds among you.

The idea that someone as respectable as me would investigate an activity where people leave their keys in a bowl and hope they end up going home with someone better looking than the person they arrived with is frankly, shocking, especially when you consider all the hoops they wanted me to jump through to join the club.

Oh no. This is about proper swinging, the kind which is so exhilarating it brings tears to your eyes when you go really high. The tears were actually due to the bar between my legs but as one mother pointed out, the swing was for toddlers so what did I expect.

Swinging on swings is generally considered a pursuit for children which is why they think it’s all right to hog them. In many parks it’s a challenge just to get on one and at ours there’s also competition from the chicken from a local farm. As I bounded excitedly towards a vacant swing, I spotted him crossing the park and panicked. Luckily he was just trying to get to the other slide.

Once seated, I held a chain in each hand, closed one eye and utched about to centre myself. Your aim is to build up enough momentum to make your stomach feel like it can’t keep up. One, two, three steps back, gymnastic style knee bend and we’re off! Stretch your legs going forward, tuck them in going back. Let the combination of your bottom and gravity to do the rest.

No matter how giddy you become on a swing, safety should always be at the forefront of your mind. You should never, ever, let go with one hand to wave at your mum or child who’s queuing patiently for their turn.

If danger is your middle name though, then you may be more suited to a rope swing. They’re discovered from time to time, usually over rivers and always hanging from branches so high that a crane must have been used to put them up. Again the not-letting-go rule is worth remembering. Bridge swinging is only for the really brave. It’s hard enough playing patience while on a swing, let alone a card game with four players.

Swinging for someone is another option and it’s what you do when you’re really, really annoyed with them but don’t actually want to hit them. When two people are swinging for each other it’s known as handbags at 50 paces, which sounds like a bit of fun until you see two old ladies falling out at Bingo. A handbag full of coppers is a weapon indeed.


Next week: The Art of Living Simply.