Chickens give politicians a run for their money

The Friday thing
DID you enjoy the political party season? Glued to the TV screen? Camping out overnight outside the Tories’ Manchester conference to claim a front-row seat? In need of urgent medical attention?

I recently returned from an event that had many of the qualities (a word used in its loosest possible sense) of politics and politicking: Chicken Day in the tiny village of Elphin in the north-west highlands.


here was an abundance of entirely pointless and meaningless clucking, much scratching at the surface without ever achieving anything, some bullying and aggression during the hen races (and no, they didn’t have jockeys on board), a lot of aimless flapping, some crowing and a tendency to lose interest on the race track until a kind, or was it unscrupulous, punter threw down a fistful of bird seeds. Hens, like MPs, are not averse to a few perks.

Tne hen, a feisty brown lass with a mean turn of speed, actually took time out from racing (much to the annoyance of her backers, including me) to lay an egg, having first swapped from left to right lane before hopping back to the centre ground (obviously a fickle Lib-Dem). But an over-eager Elphinite (or it may be Elphiner) pushing his way to the front to see which bird was winning, trod on the egg in his excitement.

I would say here that the yoke was on him, but that would be beneath me.

In the end, the brown feisty lass, having unburdened herself of the egg, was disqualified and a white speckled specimen was first past the post.

But there was a warning here for party leaders as the race climax turned out to be for the quick and the dead. The winning hen was plucked and barbecued and ended her life as a dozen or so chicken burgers.

A lesson out of the “be careful what you wish for” book.


WHILE I was sheltering from the rain in the highlands, there were several revelations that made me choke on my haggis (am I the only Englishman who actually enjoys this sinister foodstuff?).

The first was a story that even the richest imagination could not have created: there are people in the UK who have either committed acts of terrorism or been a party to terrorist activity in Britain who we cannot deport because, and you’ll have guessed it, it would infringe their human rights.



What human rights could those who have tried to kill, or planned to kill or maim British citizens, possibly have? Surely we have the right to either keep them in a prison for a very, very long time or to send them back where they came from and deny them and their families access to our country ever again?



As it is, known terrorists are out and about walking the streets and allowed legal aid (yes, it is true) to challenge our right to deport them. In the main they look a miserable lot but I suspect inside they are laughing hysterically at how totally, utterly stupid we are.



The other piece of the “You’ll never believe it but...” blood pressure-raising madness comes from the loons in Europe, who want to force us to pay benefits to anyone who comes here for any reason and for any length of time.



I thought we already did that, but apparently we are not giving money to enough people and the loons in Europe, who perhaps see it as a way of getting rid of a tiresome and expensive older relative - want us to put money into the hands of anyone who wants it.



Our Government, along with others who resent European interference in what is a strictly domestic matter, are fighting it. But would you bet on us winning?







MAYBE I owe an apology to Eric Pickles, the Tories’ axeman, cutting jobs here, closing offices and departments here, there and everywhere.



In the past I have referred to Eric as the Tory party “wrecking ball”, not only because he has smashed just about everything he touches but also because he has the build of one.



My assumption was that Eric was a fat man, but it seems that I was wrong. I was obviously misled by the money belt he carries around his person and the £250 million it contains.



As the country is so poor that we are sacking teachers, nurses, police officers, civil servants and hundreds of thousands of others it is surprising that Eric has just come across £250 million lying around his middle, to send to local councils so they can provide weekly bin collections.



It is of course a populist political gesture by Eric, the calculation being that most of us will be so glad our bins are being emptied every week that we will forget about the size of the dole queues, the numbers of young people who have never had a job and the families from the top to the bottom of Britain who are struggling to make ends meet.



Isn’t it outrageous that the Government can suddenly “find” £250 million about the considerable person of Eric Pickles, no doubt on the advice of some young smoothie in Tory Central Office who thinks bin collections will make everything else go away?



It’s not only Cameron and Osborne who are out of touch; there’s a nest of them working for the party.







FINAL WORD: Localism used to be a mantra of the Lib-Dems, but in Saddleworth it is now more a part of the political lexicon.



A plan to set up village forums (localism in action) has been attacked by Saddleworth-based Oldham and parish councillors.



Alan Roughley says that people should make better use of parish and borough councillors rather than have non-councillors calling and attending meetings. Perhaps the perceived need for village forums should tell Councillor Roughley and his colleagues something.