Christmas comes early – in Colombia, at least

THE FRIDAY THING: I KNOW Christmas is coming up and we are all in the season of goodwill to all (well, some) men.

But can we really afford to hand over two billion pounds of taxpayers’ money to allegedly put more than likely useless wind turbines in Africa and “green cattle farming” in Colombia.

What insurance do we have that our Christmas present will be spent on turbines? Might it not finance the building of an exotic palace for the latest African despot or fund some of the rag-tag rebel armies who seem to be doing their bit to keep control of the numbers of African folk – especially women and children – by shooting them or dressing them in rags and giving them rifles.

Not surprisingly, even Tory MPs are angry at this reckless and surely misguided generosity at a time when we are expected to tighten our belts until 2018: three extra years of jobless, homeless, doshless austerity to look forward to.

The only political voice raised to cheer this misguided generosity belonged to Nick Clegg, who hailed it as “fantastic news”. But then a charity run by Nick’s wife has just been granted £12 million from the Government coffers.

It might just be me, but surely this can’t be a priority for the British Government at a time of real domestic crisis, when people all over the UK are worried about their jobs and the difficulty of making even the most basic ends meet.

It can surely only be because Chubby and George have so much money they don’t know what to do with it that the pair of them can embark on such an insane spending spree that profits no-one in Britain, and ignores the almost Victorian levels of poverty and hardship ordinary folkmay have to suffer until the end of 2018 and maybe beyond. Merry Christmas? Bah, humbug!


ON a lighter seasonal note, Christmas is a great time for romance thanks more to parties, presents, cards and, let’s be honest, gallons of booze. And there is, of course, lots and lots of advice on how to find a mate to pull your cracker.
What you look like is high on the list of Christmas priorities but how many of us would count a good sense of smell as a key part of the mate-finding armoury?

According to the boffins, a good sense of smell is vital for the creation of a long-lasting relationship and those with the most sensitive noses are most likely to be successful in finding a mate.

Now this is what happens when you can’t smell your own socks: it’s a miracle that men with that frailty - even the rich, good-looking ones - will have any sexual partners at all. Unless, of course they advertise online for women with no sense of smell.


FINAL WORD: Now, here’s the burning question of the hour. Does Lord Justice Leveson read the Oldham Chronicle, or have it read to him by a minion?
Has he had a copy passed to him by a disgruntled reader whose name or gender we got wrong, or by a driver caught using his mobile while driving one-handed? Or even by a councillor who, entirely accidentally, we upset by calling him a loony? It’s a term of endearment, mate.

Will the good lord demand more space for Dickiethebrickie – or even Dave Hibbert – and less space for my humble efforts?

If I am not here next week, I could be in the Tower. Just so long as the punishment isn’t to have to read his 2,000-page tome...