It’s never dull in soapland, thankfully

ALL things considered, I’ve led a pretty uneventful life. As I fast approach my two score years and 15, I look back along life’s high road and realise the going has been pretty smooth. Both parents are still alive, I’ve never lost a sibling or a child . . . heck, I only lost my grandad a year ago.

In fact, if you discount the odd divorce or two, a fire that burned down the house, nursing a partner with terminal cancer and losing a quarter of a million in a doomed business venture, then I’ve done pretty well.

I’ve never to my knowledge met a murderer, let alone been targeted by one. Though I did once know a woman whose husband turned out to be a masked armed robber.

That’s as close as I’ve ever been to real excitement. Even when the house burned down I was 800 miles away in Germany.

Which probably explains why I’ve never been offered a script-writing job on Corrie. Unless you’ve actually known a woman who tried to do away with her husband by dishing up vindaloo heavily laced with Warfarin, how would you make it seem realistic?

If soaps are supposed to mirror real life then all I can say is I’ve been one lucky woman.

We’re still reeling from terrible Tess trying to do away with the gullible Jerry and what are we hit with this week? Liam’s murder which, no doubt, the tyrannical Tony will get away with for the next few episodes at least.

Then there’s dozy Rosie. I know she has only been kidnapped by jolly John but, hey, what’s he supposed to do with her now? A double murder maybe. A bit more exciting than “Emmerdale”.

They’ve only got angry Andy beating his wife — oh, and Viv in jail for looking exactly like someone who stole vast sums from charity. And what better place for her I ask?

“EastEnders” has its fair share of true-to-life storylines too. We all know who’s buried beneath the Queen Vic’s cellar, don’t we? Or did I miss an episode and Dirty Den managed to escape death, and rise from the grave once more ready to return when viewing figures flag?

I wish Stace would just dump boring as ditchwater Bradley and disappear off into the sunset. But, no, we need her because otherwise Danielle wouldn’t be cleaning for her long-lost mother Ronnie would she?

I can see another murder looming here. Hopefully, it’ll be Peggy coming to her senses over Archie and letting Pat smother him.

But then, didn’t I hear a rumour that Nasty Nick’s coming home to haunt his mum? Now who needs true-to-life when we’ve got Nick Cotton looming?