Some folks have all the bad luck

THE ART OF BEING UNFORTUNATE

THERE’S a thing in this world called fortune.

It’s generally thought to favour the brave but it’s also said to be blind and fickle and unfortunately for some people, it tends to avoid them like the plague.

They’re unfortunate in whatever they do. If their luck can run out it will, just like their petrol on that road over the tops. They mislay their passport on the morning of every holiday and stand next to puddles just as a bus is about to splash through them. If they won the lottery, they’d almost certainly lose the ticket and they probably support Manchester City.

If being unfortunate is a skill you’re keen to develop what you really need is a talent for having things go wrong. It doesn’t have to be a physical action, you can also say unfortunate things, “When’s it due? Oh, you’ve had it? How lovely.”

You could have an unfortunate name like, say, Delilah Talula Mirabelle Johnson. It’s no wonder I changed that by deed poll. Or you could have an unfortunate knack for getting locked outside wearing your wife’s pink dressing gown. In my defence, it is deceptively cosy.

Being accident prone is another discipline in which the unfortunate tend to excel. When growing up a friend of mine was known for it. It would be easier to list the bones that he hadn’t broken. I did occasionally have a go too and once got a peanut stuck up my nose. We tried everything to dislodge it but nothing would work. In the end I had to go to hospital where as a last resort they flushed my nose with chocolate sauce and it came out a treat.

Sadly, my aunty wasn’t so lucky when misfortune entered her life one Monday morning. She died in a terrible accident while working at a furniture factory when she fell into a vat of varnish. It was a tragic end but lovely finish.

If you don’t have the enthusiasm for being unfortunate full time, you could always just involve yourself in one incident so embarrassing and unlucky that you can live off it forever. It will become known as “that unfortunate incident” and only ever be discussed in hushed voices behind your back when people are drunk at family dos.

Finally, always remember that whatever goes wrong is not your fault, it’s because you’re unfortunate. How can it be down to you when circumstances so consistently conspire against you? Be reassured in the knowledge that every person who’s messed their life up has managed to blame it on someone else.

Next week… The Art of Brewing Up.