Grow veg, become a hermit

Life can be complicated can’t it? Just when you think you know what’s going on, someone throws a spanner in the works.

The spanner gets stuck then it flies up and hits the fan and you’re stood there thinking, “Why can’t life just be simple? And why do plumbers get so upset when you refuse to pay them?”

Back in the days when people lived in caves and hunted sabre-toothed tigers, they didn’t have to worry about gas bills or missing an episode of “Crimewatch”.

In prehistoric times all you had to do was hit your tea with a rock and settle down for an evening in front of the fire, assuming you were born after fire was invented.

Even 50 years ago life was much simpler than it is today. A spade was a spade and everyone had the same thing, which was nowt. The sun didn’t stop shining in the summer and in winter it snowed so much that people couldn’t get out of their house for years.

Fast forward to modern times and you can’t even order a pizza without being bombarded by choices and possibilities. Do you want your pizza cutting into six pieces or 12? Six please, I could never eat 12. Another day, another complicated dilemma.

So how can you strip life down and remove the hassle and headaches? I have a plan and you’ll be pleased to know it’s a simple one.

First thing is to get yourself a vegetable patch. They have come to represent the simple life, the idea being that it’s much easier to spend months picking slugs off your cabbage in the rain than it is to go to a supermarket and pick one from the shelf.

Next, you need to shun technology because it causes nothing but hassle and confusion.

The other day I was round at my grandads and a friend rang my mobile. Afterwards my grandad said, “How did he know you were here?” It would be much simpler if you just spoke to the people you met in a street.

But you won’t even have to do that because I recommend that you don’t actually bother with other people. All they do is complicate things, what with their egos and attitudes and bad breath.

Inter-sex relationships can prove particularly problematic. It’s usually because the men are much more inter sex than the woman.

So if you want to live simply then this should be your guide. Grow vegetables, ban technology and try to avoid other people. It’s as simple as that.




Next week . . . The Art of Public Speaking.