Pav’s Patch; I’ve started, so I’ll finish: my tale of Mastermind

EXCUSE me if I gloat a little, but I won a quiz the other night. I am now the proud owner of a voucher entitling me to £15 of free ale.

I realise that this may surprise some readers, but there was a time when I used to make a few bob at quizzes and, in 1997, I was even a member of the New Inn (Dukinfield) team which won the Tameside Pub Quiz League.

But did you know that I was once a contestant on “Mastermind” and that I even managed to reduce this venerable BBC institution to a shambles? Let me take you back to August, 1981.

At that time I had been working for the Royal Mail for almost a year and had decided I needed to do something spectacular if I was ever to get a better job.

I hit upon the idea of advertising myself on the telly, and given that I was a postman and had a silly name I was able to get through the audition which, incidentally, took place on April 1.

I took quite a lot of convincing that the person who rang me at Hyde sorting office was a BBC researcher.

I arrived at Bangor University feeling extremely nervous — as did all the contestants — but a very nice young lady calmed us all down by serving tea and bikkies. She told us that, whatever happened, we were all very clever. Otherwise we would never have got so far.

“Oh, this isn’t so bad,” I thought. And then she handed over to Magnus Magnusson, who chewed on his pipe for a moment, then said: “This is going to be the hardest half-hour of your life and I’m going to make you sweat.”

I reduced things to a shambles when I received my final question: “Who was Vincent Van Gogh’s neurotic psychologist? “

The pips went and Magnus said: “I’ve started, so I’ll finish.” I had no idea of the answer and we had been told not to pass, so I blurted out: “Melvin Burgess”.

Trouble is, Melvin wasn’t a doctor, he was the man who cut the grass at Hyde United.

Fortunately, no one outside Tameside seemed to realise, although as I left a rather posh woman said: “You meant one of the Burgesses of Harley Street, surely?” “No, Markham Street, Newton,” I replied, leaving her looking bewildered.

Before you ask, my specialist subject was European history 1900-39. I got 28 points and came third, four behind the winner.

And did I get my dream job? With my luck you must be joking. Only an offer to sell insurance.