Ges on the Box; Roll up for the Jeremy Kyle TV freak show

MANY years ago, in my other life as a bookkeeper, I worked for a boss whose mantra was “there are no problems, only opportunities”.

He used to drive me mad. I’d say, “we’ve run out of wage envelopes for the engineers”, and he’d glibly respond, “don’t bring me problems, this is an opportunity for you to shine”.

So I took the afternoon off, seized the opportunity to go shopping and picked up the wage envelopes on the way back. We didn’t last long as a partnership. He dropped dead of a heart attack changing a light bulb at the age of 52.

I’ve often wondered whether he saw that as a problem or an opportunity.

I’ve had the odd opportunity in my life. My house burned down so I bought a restaurant with the insurance. That went bankrupt and I had the opportunity to be jobless and homeless. Actually, whatever spin I put on that little episode, it still looks like a problem to me.

Two of my marriages failed, but that did give rise to the opportunity for three weddings. I enjoy a good wedding. Pity I’ve had my last (I have to say that because it’s Valentine’s Day soon and I haven’t bought Him Indoors a card, so I took this opportunity to win a few Brownie points).

A couple of bad crashes, a daughter who nearly died due to a misdiagnosed eptopic pregnancy, a son who became involved with drugs. . . I’ve had my share of opportunities to shine. And sometimes I did and sometimes it was a tad cloudy.

But however I dealt with it, I tell you this: I never once considered phoning up a television programme and appearing in front of millions to wash my dirty laundry.

You might guess that I’ve been watching “The Jeremy Kyle Show”. To my shame.

It smacks of Victorian fairgrounds where the curious paid a farthing and got to gawp at the bearded woman or the four-legged baby.

But today we get all the freaks paraded before us on the small screen.

So the young woman who hauled her ex and his ex to the studio for DNA tests on the two babies involved in this triangle, probably got her just desserts when it was announced that the other ex’s baby was her ex’s and her baby wasn’t. If you catch my drift.

Worse still, was her tearful admission that, now she’d failed in her bid to squeeze maintenance out of her ex, she’d have to try someone else. Only she hadn’t a clue who that might be.

The cynical might suggest this was an opportunity for her to find a somewhat richer possibility than the unemployed, motorbike-loving loser she’d dragged in front of Mr Kyle.