Why I’m fed-up with Fern and Co

I HAVE long believed that women come from a parallel universe, but that belief has been strengthened over the last few weeks while I have been helping out as a car-park attendant.

On my first morning, I fully expected to see the ladies struggling to park but it quickly became apparent that they are unable to read.

It doesn’t matter how big a sign you put up declaring the place to be full, a woman will always drive in and ask if there is any room.

And when you reply in the negative, they will always counter with: “But Reg always keeps me a space.”

Reg, I might add, is a lovely bloke, but also one who has clearly missed his calling because with his ability to defy the laws of physics he could have made a fortune.

The other thing that has convinced me women are different is the huge pile of magazines in my hut.

I remember my Aunty Florrie buying Woman’s Weekly in the 1960s, when it was full of knitting patterns.

Not any more. Nowadays, the mags are crammed with features about sex, including one called “The Truth about Mid-Life Sex”. I didn’t know such a thing existed.

I had previously believed that women lost all interest in oompty once they had their hands on your bank balance.

The mags also contain countless features about diets, and about some of the key issues of the day.

No, not the credit crunch or Iran’s pursuit of a nuclear weapon. I’m talking about the challenges facing television’s golden couple, Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan.

Judy says the set of their TV show has been repackaged so that it now looks like a pop tart rather than a Hovis loaf.

And what about Fern Britton? She’s on the cover of at least one magazine every other week. That insight-laden commentator Colleen Nolan managed four paragraphs on how Fern is now at ease with her boobs.

What that woman hasn’t been through! Did you know Fern has endured a year of heartache? Well, it’s her own fault for working with Phillip Schofield.

I also came across a sharply analytical story about Holly Willoughby. Do you know how she got those curves? She was born with them. No, really.

Holly is entirely happy with the shape of her body, even if it does look like she’s got a milk churn down the back of her dress, and added: “My hips are my hips. Even if I was a size zero they would still be there.”

What more can you say?