Abstract gives you freedom

Art, much like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder but artists, unlike beauticians, can claim that a shark filled with thermaldahide is a work of genius worth millions of pounds.

Surprisingly though, there are still more people studying beauty therapy at college than art.
My uncle’s an artist and a very good one too. You know he’s good because it’s impossible to work out the meaning of his creations without him explaining them.

Of course, being an artist, this isn’t something he’s keen to do. “What does it mean to you?” he’ll say. I scream in exasperation, “Is it or is it not a flippin boat on a bit of water?” “Hmm. Interesting interpretation.”

It obviously runs in the family because the first thing I do in a morning is draw the curtains. I tend to work quite slowly which is why I’ve done numerous portraits of rotten fruit.

Feedback is never far away because my Dad’s a bit of an art expert. “That’s crap.” is his usual critique.

It was quite hard to take as a seven-year-old, having spent hours making a paper mache model of his head. He didn’t even like the big ears.

But the approval of others isn’t what’s needed to make your art worthwhile.

You’re as unique as everyone else and what matters is that you express yourself. Whether you’re sticking bits of dry pasta on to cardboard plates and covering them in glitter or dipping potatoes in paint and pressing them on to paper, your work should be vehicle for you inner-most thoughts and desires.

Abstract art is your best bet because the whole point is that it looks nothing like it’s supposed to. If someone suggests you work looks like a five-year-old girl did it then you’ll know you’re making progress.

A few arty facts for you…

1. Drawing with pencils and chalk is for people who are rubbish at painting.

2. Most people become artists so they can look at nude models.

3. Building a beach monster out of sand when you’re on holiday doesn’t mean you’re a sculptor.

Once artistic I’m afraid it’s unlikely you’ll make a great deal of money until you’re dead.

In the meantime you can just force your family and people you know to put it up.

Be a bit concerned though if you’re doctor’s mad keen to buy it all because he might know something you don’t.

That plaster of paris flower you made could be worth a fortune sooner than you think.


Next week… The Art of Washing Up.