Ges on the box; Stellar wages of the stars

WE’RE in the wrong jobs, you and me. Well, actually, I don’t know about you — maybe you DO get a cool quarter of a million for stacking shelves or teaching five-year-olds, but I sure as hell don’t for writing this column.

I get paid, so the boss tells me, what I’m worth. About a fiver then. And that’s pushing it. But I sure wish I was worth a Jonathan Ross or even an Ant and Dec.

What is it that they do, which we don’t? We turn up on time (well, all right, almost on time) day after day. We do a good enough job without ruffling too many feathers. And we don’t expect chauffeur-driven limos to get us to the office on time.

Maybe that’s it. Our egos simply aren’t big enough.

Take Fern Britton. Reputedly paid £750,000 for co-hosting ITV’s “This Morning”. Ouch. Even if she worked five days a week (which she doesn’t) 52 weeks a year (which she doesn’t) she’d still be getting around £2,800 a day.

Fern’s good for a giggle. Is she that good?

Mind, now she’s leaving “This Morning”, it’s likely she’ll join the BBC and start coining the cash in.

Because it’s good old Auntie Beeb — courtesy of our television licence money — that doles out the big salaries.

Like Jonathan Ross’s £6million a year for . . . well, what for? “Friday Night With Jonathan Ross”? Surely that’s not it? Oh no, I forgot his weekly Radio 2 show and of course “The Film Programme”.

So, that’s what? Six hours a week. OK, give him prep time, treble it: 18 hours a week.

I’m not even going to tell you that that works out to over £6,400 an hour.

Now, Wossy wasn’t a favourite of mine even before Sachsgate, but even if he were, I doubt anybody’s worth more than £100 a minute. Especially when I’m paying him (well, and you too) and I can’t afford a new frock.

Ant and Dec get a £30 million package for their shows. Davina McCall half a million; Chris Evans £540,000; Fiona Bruce £800,000.

Eight hundred thousand, Ms Bruce? For doing the joiny-up bits between the valuations on “Antiques Roadshow”? Wow, that’s considerable more than the minimum wage.

Even Peggy Mitchell — aka Barbara Windsor — is up there with the earners. £360,000 for her appearances in The Vic. You’d think she’d manage the odd smile for that wouldn’t you?

Is all this sour grapes? You bet your life it is. So, am I crying into my cocoa over reports that the stars are having to take pay cuts of — in Ant and Dec’s case — £6 million a year?

No. I am not.