Ges on the Box; Let’s keep reality shows English

YOU’VE got to agree there’s something a tad pretentious about a man who calls himself Marco Pierre. OK, it’s his name, but then Geraldine May is mine and I don’t have us all chanting that.

I do wonder what his Leeds council house-born brothers Graham, Clive and Craig White make of it all. It depends on whether or not they get free munchies while down visiting him at one of his London restaurants I suppose.

As scary chefs go, MP (as I shall call him for short) is a pussy cat. In the olden days, when I had my own restaurant, my chef was called Rachel. She chewed jam jars for elevenses.

Her idea of fun was to throw carving knives at commis chefs. She hit one once. He pulled it out of his arm where it had him pinned to the wall. She made him scrub potatoes as a punishment for blunting the knife.

I owned the place, yet she made me quake in my clogs. “Two carrots, one broccoli, four sugarsnaps and a fennel,” she’d bellow at me (standing 3ft away) and ‘yes, cheffing’ I’d hurtle around trying to remember what came after the third broccoli.

I never made it to the dizzy heights of starters. Owner, I might have been, competent, apparently, I wasn’t.

Though sometimes I was allowed, as a treat, to chop olives to decorate the canapés.

It’s hard work in a kitchen so it’s a surprise they can find eight celebrities every year willing to have a go in Hell.

Of course, being a reality show, they’re not really celebs, just people almost nobody has heard of.

Except Ade Edmondson. But that’s because he’s married to one half of French and Saunders. And Danielle Bux (who?) because she’s engaged to Mr Nice Guy Lineker.

But who was Niomi (and why can’t she spell her name)? And Bruce Grobbelaar . . . didn’t he used to be a wrestler?

I was well put out when Linda Evans was voted winner of “Hell’s Kitchen”. It’s about time we made it illegal for foreigners to take part in our reality shows. Or, at the very least, make it illegal for them to win.

Keep reality shows British, is what I say. And preferably English — there’s too many Scots in parliament without them invading our jungles and kitchens too. As for the Welsh — with insincere apologies to my father Mr Glyn Jones — let’s face it, they haven’t got much of a sense of humour. And humour is what’s needed. And why Ade should have won it — he was hysterical.

But maybe too many people remembered him as Vyvyan from “The Young Ones”. I know I for one just couldn’t bring myself to vote for a punk.