No worries as I head toward the Big Day

If it’s not North Korea’s nuclear arsenal or global warming, it’s bird flu and now swine flu.

You can’t turn on the telly these days without there being something monumentally worrying to worry about.

In fact, at the moment there is so much to worry about, what with the Taliban in Pakistan and the global recession, that I can’t make my mind up as to which piece of worrying news I should start worrying about first.

I need to jot down all of these worrying issues and put them into a “panic list”, let’s say.

I mean, which is more likely to affect me in my sunny corner of the North-West?

Bird flu? Not many chickens near us. Swine flu? Not many pigs either, and what with this impending wedding, sorry I know I said I wouldn’t mention it, we can’t afford to go anywhere hot so I’m going to put that one low on the “PL”.

North Korea could easily claim top of the “PL” charts but then their nuclear weapon launch turned into a bit of a damp squib, so I’ll leave their Dear Leader Kim Yong-il out of it for the time being.

The Taliban? Well at the moment I believe we are Taliban free inside the M60 so it’s not really something I sweat over.

That just leaves the credit crunch. The crunch has brought our mortgage payments down to a very reasonable rate so nope, nowt to worry about there.

Well look at that, for all the media’s panic-inducing coverage of the world’s bad news none of it has really got to me.

Consequently there is now a gaping hole in my life, a wide open space for worry that is not being filled by the world’s media. I’m going to have to fill it with my own worry.

So now I know why it is that my waking hours are spent sweating about 24 linen tablecloths for the Big Day and my sleeping hours are spent concerned with the hot and cold buffet for the Big Day.

It’s the fault of the world’s Press. They are not giving me enough to worry about.

Come on guys, raise your game. How about acid rain in the clouds above Manchester? Or a coma-inducing garden sparrow on the rampage?

I mean make it up, it’s what you lot normally do isn’t it?