Finding solace at the grand old age of... 52

WHEN I was first asked to write this column — two and a half years ago now — the former Mrs P gave me one of her looks and said: “I do hope it’s not going to be full of your silly schoolboy humour.

And whatever you do, never mention me in it, not as Mrs P.”

Well, I don’t know if my ex ever read the Chronicle, but only a few weeks later she told me she was leaving.

Well actually, she told me I was leaving although I suppose it amounts to the same thing. Except that she got a free house.

Anyway, perhaps she has a point. Perhaps I am an overgrown schoolboy, even though I reached the frightening age of 52 only a few weeks ago. And perhaps this has happened because I spend most of my free time with my 10-year-old son.

One of my New Year resolutions was to try to broaden my reading. I was planning to try some Hemingway or a road novel by Jack Kerouac. Instead of that, I’ve ended up spending countless hours on the X-box, and am now a dab hand with a sniper’s rifle in “Quantum of Solace”.

This comes from the fact that Saturday nights are usually spent watching a James Bond DVD while munching popcorn.

I’ve even started to talk like my son. I’ll refer to things as cool, and if something is really good it’s gangster. Score a goal at “Fifa 09” and you have to yell at the screen: “I just owned you. Ownage dude!” Whatever that means.

Trouble is, my son considers this to be taking things too far. “Dad”, he’ll say, “You’re too old to say things like that. People like you should use words like ‘thy’ and ‘thou’.” I have no idea how old he thinks I am, but I do wish he’d stop starting every question with: “Dad, when you were a boy, in the olden days.”

And I suppose I have to admit that I have never been able to avoid the obvious, schoolboy comment. I always remember visiting the house of a girl I was particularly keen on. I was always very polite to her mother as I thought she might be the way to daughter’s heart.

Mrs A once turned to me very earnestly and said: “What do you know about Casio?” (meaning the digital watches which had just come out). “Doesn’t he play full-back for Inter Milan?” I replied.

I got another one of those looks and another beautiful friendship crumbled to dust.