THE ART OF . . . BEING LITERARY

A good read - from Dickens to Jordan

When I was about 10 I had a shocking day at school. First I had diarrhoea, then I got tuberculosis and I finished off with psoriasis. That’s a tough spelling test in anyone’s book.

I took it in my stride though because I was a wordsmith and a bit of a geek. They used to call me the judge because I was always dishing out long sentences.

My vast knowledge of nine and 12 letter words had come from reading books. To be literary you have to devour them and absorb them and that doesn’t mean just looking at the pictures.

Reading is food for the brain in the same way that chocolate cake is food for the backside and I had a brain like the back end of a bus.

The best place to begin your literary journey is with “The Hungry Caterpillar” before moving on to the classics such as Dickens, the Bronte sisters and Jordan’s fourth autobiography.

By far her best, it’s astonishing to think that in coming centuries, literary scholars will discuss her use of prose and her acute ability to accentuate the allure of anecdotes through alliteration.

Waxing lyrical about the book you’re currently reading is essential, especially if it’s something which is really hard work.

“War and Peace” is the obvious “I’m only reading this to show off” book, but there are numerous others in the above two stones in weight category.

Just don’t expect anyone to care that you’ve finished one.

The real test of your literary prowess is whether you can write a book yourself and get more than just immediate family to buy it.

It’s said that everyone’s got a book in them, but it’s not necessarily one worth reading.

Some authors work with pen and paper but I prefer a computer because it’s easier to delete whole sections.

It does help if you know the grammatical nuances of the words you’re using. An abstract noun, for example, is something you can see but can’t touch, a bit like your older brothers skateboard when you’re growing up.

Once your literary marvel is complete, I suggest you test the market before getting 5,000 printed in hardback.

As it happens, there are still a few copies of ‘Kevin: My life’ available, in hardback.

Next time… The Art of Growing Old