Trapped wind and renegade bacon

Eating is something we all have to do, it’s a function of staying alive.

In the West we’re fortunate to have more food that we could ever eat . . . although some people are keen to have a good go.

The menu of delights is rich and varied. There’s melon, prawn cocktail and pea and ham soup and that’s just for starters.

Eating some foods, like pizza, requires little skill but with others, such as oysters or donner kebabs at two in the morning, a ridiculous amount of hand-eye-mouth co-ordination is needed.

Once food is in your mouth, it shouldn’t really come out again. Essentially, your lips should remain sealed throughout the rest of the eating process. No-one wants to watch a bull chewing a wasp.

The only acceptable exception to this rule is if you’re eating something extremely and surprisingly hot.

Even then, while you may blow and pant desperately, under no circumstances should the contents of your mouth be spat at the person sat opposite.

Chewing is next and you’ll need teeth for this or it could take a while.

Scientists recommend you chew things 30 times to extract the nutrients and it’s no surprise because they did the tests with celery.

Finally, swallow and you’re ready to eat something else.

Shovelling food down the hatch too quickly can result in air getting trapped.

When on your own, burping is great fun — in polite company however, you need to quickly quote the Italian belief that it’s a compliment to the chef.

Talking while eating is seriously frowned upon and when combined with an unexpected laugh it can be disastrous.

It will often lead to a bout of choking which is God’s way of telling you your mother wouldn’t be impressed.

Renegade food can occasionally make a run for it and hide elsewhere on your face. I’ve got a friend who can’t eat a bacon butty without getting ketchup on his forehead.

While eating is undoubtedly popular, knowing when to stop isn’t always easy.

A bit of indigestion can be a price worth paying though, if your tastebuds have been dazzled. It’s always a good idea to have some peppermint tea handy just in case.




Next week: The art of being attractive