Reality TV cooking up feast of a final

CHANNEL HOPPING: TRAPPED, covered in bugs and scrambling around in a snakes’ nest with little room for manoeuvre....

But enough about my dodgy digital TV retuning efforts.

While most of us were trying to find a use for the AV2 socket, Ant and Dec were Down Under preparing this year’s jungle jamboree for the “I’m a Celeb” final.

Queen of domesticity Kim Woodburn wiped the floor with most of the contestants — exactly how clean her house is now she’s missed the binmen three weeks in a row is another matter.

She could almost be Russell Brand’s mother. At least that would explain where the flamboyant mockney comic gets his medieval potty mouth from.

It was all that “I had ants in me pants, me dear,” and “don’t you speak to me like that darling”... I even thought she was going to mention Jonathan Ross at one point.

But it was Gino D’Acampo who topped this year’s bushtucker menu. After all, there’s nothing the little Italian chef can’t do with a rat-atouille. “Ready Steady Cook” will never be the same — or will it be “Mealworms in Minutes” from now on?

LADY Gaga looked completely cuckoo in that giant bath on “X-Factor”. And the music demanded the plug to be pulled. She should stick to singing in the shower. Instead it was Danyl Johnson who was washed away as Olly, Joe and Stacey made what promises to be the closest-run final since Will Young v Gareth Gates. It’s suddenly developed into a singing competition — and the judges aren’t the stars of the show anymore. Get voting! 

MOONLIGHTING Masood fell asleep at the wheel after mixing up being a useless postman with even worse through-the-night taxi-cabbing on the Square. After reading that script, I don’t blame him. Nothing blows hot and cold like “EastEnders”. There were murders last week, people being buried under trees. Now everyone’s just going to the café and having a quiet sit on Arthur Fowler’s memorial bench.


SOAP ROAR: Corrie’s Eddie Windass and his “you’ve got grass growing in your gutter” scam. Ten-quid-a-throw for doing nowt. Cheating sod.


SOAP BORE: The Street’s Ken Barlow as secret Santa. Everyone knows Bill Roache couldn’t play any other part.