Simple steps to sleuthing

THE ART OF . . . INVESTIGATION:

INVESTIGATION is all about getting to the truth. It’s about unravelling a story, uncovering the facts and finding out what’s really happened.

You’ll need an inquiring mind, a dogged determination and a nose which can be trained to sniff out even the most shocking of secrets.

Your investigation could be aimed at alleged corruption at the highest level of government or, more likely, at the mysterious disappearance of the last chocolate mousse in the fridge.

You want to know who, what, where and most importantly, why. Motivations worth consideration are always greed, power and blatant unashamed naughtiness.

Asking the right questions will lead you to clues which will in turn direct you to evidence. It could be a damning secret memo which closes your case or, perhaps, a mousse-covered teaspoon hidden under a cushion. Hmmmm. Incriminating? Yes. But when in pursuit of a clever and calculating guilty party, be aware that things aren’t always as they appear.

My interest in investigation had been ignited when, as a lovesick teenager, a girlfriend began to behave suspiciously. She’d started spending a lot of time studying with a “friend” called Frederico and whenever I was with her she couldn’t stop yawning before heading off for an early night.

Call me paranoid but it didn’t add up, especially as her hair was messy and her trousers were on inside out. I called in a private investigator but all he did was stand looking at the hedge in our front garden. Turned out he was a privet investigator.

So I set about the job myself. I interrogated her cat before tapping her phone. When tapping it didn’t make it work I whacked it with a hammer. Then, after a painstaking examination of my topics of conversation, I summoned myself to the drawing room and concluded a devastating truth… She found me boring.

Friends said it didn’t take a detective to work that out. My heart was broken but at least I’d learnt a lot about covert surveillance and you know how handy that can be.

If I could give you one final tip it would be that you should always be prepared for the unexpected. On one recent high-profile investigation, I thought I’d explored every avenue and left no stone unturned but on reflection, the answer was staring me in the face.

I caught my eye in the mirror and there it was as, I can only assume, it had been all along. Chocolate mousse. At the side of my mouth.


Next week… The Art of Eating Chocolate