Nothing’s joyful or jolly just yet

WHAT KATI DID NEXT: Well, you’ll be pleased to hear that I haven’t done anything remotely Christmas-like this week.

We were going to head off to the Ramsbottom Christmas market but we never managed to get there so I have nothing remotely joyful to say at all. Not a thing.

Do I hear a collective sigh of relief? Surely we’re not all fed up with Slade in the shops, carols in the streets and Jamie and Delia cooking up the perfect Christmas dinner are we?
You know Delia doesn’t do it all herself, she’s the female Santa Claus, there are thousands of little helpers just off camera, running round like madmen, whipping cream and mixing pastry.

Don’t be fooled by her calm exterior. I’d be that calm if I had her servants.

Oh and that Jamie Oliver. Who’s got time to “dry in the oven, over night if you can,” 20 figs — he neglects to mention that figs are retailing at about £2.50 for four — just to put on a cheese board next to some goats’ cheese that no-one will eat because they are asleep in front of re-runs of everything.

It’s not just “Only Fools and Horses” these days, having stuffed, pardon the pun, themselves silly with turkey.

Do you know I think my “bah-humbug” mojo is on the rise again.

Thank goodness for that. I was getting all fluffy and Christmassy and jolly.

All that was needed was a good dose of festive television and I’m back to my grumpy old self again.

My mother arrived late last night with a bag of holly and ivy to make a decoration for the front door.

Last year, husband complained daily about being poked in the eye and getting rip marks on his coat from said decoration, mother has brought bags and bags of the stuff this year and the spikes look terribly ferocious. I’m sure she’s done it on purpose.

We haven’t a chimney Father Christmas can get down so he’ll have to use his magic key in the front door this year.

I think I’ll leave half a bottle of whisky out for him just in case, he may need it as a pain killer.

On the bright side though, it will definitely keep the burglars at bay. Christmas is turning into war in this house. Just the way I like it.