A quick flash for the scanner...

THESE full-body airport scanners will be a real boon to flashers and exhibitionists in this cold weather.

After all, standing in the warm in your overcoat on in a cosy airport will make much more of your assets than jumping out from behind a bush in Alexandra Park.

It does seem odd, however, that everyone is to be subject to the all-seeing eye (all seeing except of course when it comes to the plastic and liquid explosives that might blow you and your plane out of the sky) and there should surely be some groups who can retain their modesty.

In fact, how long will it be, do you think, before some folk, especially those wearing a burka or other forms of coverall ceremonial or religious dress plead exemption on all sorts of grounds.

How will the Government and Gordon, who issued the I-spy-something-beginning-with-an e; everyone, react when it suddenly becomes a racial and religious issue?

The first salvo has already been fired before the scanner has had time to open its nearly all-seeing eye, human rights campaigner Shami Chakrabarti saying that any attempt to suggest that terrorists and bombers are all from one ethnic group — Asian at a guess — would be “dangerous and irresponsible.”

We might ask her: “People from what other ethnic or religious group have, thus far, carried out or attempted to carry out mass murders on planes, trains and buses?

No grey-haired grannies from Derker; no mums with a couple of kids in tow. No teenage couples jetting off for fun and whatever else in the sun. No, only the sort of people who believe that such acts are heroic and will see them ensconced in comfort with dozens of virgins have, been suicide bombers.

Though an afterlife with a variety of virgins when you have just blown off your own bits and pieces seems more like hell than heaven to me.


ONE thing the scanner definitely will not see is the G-spot, which is a sort of magic button that sends women into a state of sexual bliss but which, not surprising as it’s women, has been carefully hidden about their person.

Scientists now tell us that the G spot doesn’t exist. Their research must have been interesting and it’s a pity they didn’t advertise for volunteer researchers.

Apparently it’s all in the mind and that’s where we men have been going wrong all these years — we’ve been looking in the wrong place!


FINAL WORD: The man happiest that Gordon didn’t face a leadership challenge is not, as you might expect, glum Gordon, but dashing David Cameron.