Smoothie Schofield skating on thin ice

CHANNEL HOPPING: SPRAINS, strains and slip-ups — our glorious gritters have prevented nearly all of them this Big Freeze . . . all that is, except for Oldham-born-and-fled Phillip Schofield and his all-new “Dancing On Ice” crew.

That silver-haired smoothie’s never off the screen. First “This Morning”, then “All Star Mr & Mrs” — and now this . . . oh, for a bit of spare rock salt.

Bobby Davro said he would struggle to keep up with the show’s “youngsters”.

Let’s see . . . Sharron Davies, Sinitta and Heather Mills. It’s gonna be a tough one, Bob.


NOW, if you want to see proper skating, how about those wonderful Evian water ads.

Babies on roller skates... bet some crackpot’s already lining them up for “Britain’s Got Talent”. Speaking of commercials, former “EastEnder” Martine McCutcheon reckons 2010 is “the year of TLC”. Or so she said on the new Activia yoghurt promo. She’s right — Totally Lost Career.




NEW season — new tripe.

And in more ways than one. BBC3’s “Kill It, Cook It, Eat It” saw a bunch of posh students witness farmyard animals being stunned, bled to death and gutted, before sampling dishes like pig’s testicle curry and cow heel.

Just to spice things up, one of the participants was a vegan, another a veggie. Hostess with the ever-dwindling mostest was skinny Julia Bradbury from “Crimewatch”. At the end of the day, the message was clear — don’t have nightmares, do eat well.


“TAKE Me Out” — the new ITV1 dating show. It’s nothing to do with killing animals, but Peter Kay’s fallen sidekick Paddy McGuinness is dying on his feet in it every week.

“No likey, no lighty” is hardly a catchy catchphrase. Not so much “Blind Date”, more cheap date.


Soap roar: Dumped Darren Miller attempting to win back Libby in “EastEnders”.

“Just think of all the things we have done together — watched telly round yours, sat at the car lot” . . . he’s got a point, Lib.


Soap bore: “EastEnders” soap within a soap “E20”.

The teen-drama launched online on Friday which is why the Square has been swarming with yoofs wiv attitude all week. “Hollyoaks” it ain’t.