In, out, in, out — just don’t forget

THE ART OF BREATHING: IF you don’t know how to do this already then you’re in trouble. Breathing is the basis for human life. It’s the process which takes air, and importantly, oxygen into the body and spits the carbon dioxide back out.

Your first and last breaths will be your most significant. The first will have been a joyous moment for your parents who undoubtedly looked on adoringly, not quite believing they could be responsible for the creation of a tiny being of such magnificence and beauty.

Your last breath is likely to be a much more sombre affair but with a bit of luck you’ll be able to go with a gentle wheeze as you cock your hat to a life well lived.

In the intervening years I’m guessing you’ll have done lots of breathing and hopefully some of it will have been heavy. And not just down a phone to a stranger you’ve cold called when drunk.

Women are quite keen for any potential lover to take their breath away completely. It’s on the tick list alongside, “must love me just the way I am” and, “must allow me to change him”. Taking my first tentative steps into seduction, I soon realised that accidently winding them didn’t count.

The innate desire to procreate means the regularity of breath will happily be sacrificed to make one more attractive. Ladies won’t breathe all evening if it means they can fit into their chosen dress. Men, always the lazier half of the species, prefer to breathe in only when potential partners walk past if they have a physique they’d like to hide. It’s actually a bit of a disaster if the object of their desire stops to talk and their gut has to be unleashed after two minutes of silent nodding.

A big, deep breath is considered the remedy for many an affliction and it’s especially usefully if you’ve had a bit of a shock.

Perhaps you’ve just found the credit card bill your partner hid under the fridge. All you need is some nice, deep breaths. Take in some air and calm yourself down. Then follow it up with a nice cup of tea. A nice, cup of tea.

Generally, other people will be quite supportive of your need to continue breathing, unless you exhale the kind of eye-watering tang that makes passing sparrows fall from the sky. An immediate remedy is to gaffer tape your mouth shut and breathe through your nose.

Alternatively, I’d recommend cleaning your teeth occasionally and avoiding a combination of black coffee, cigarettes and garlic bread at breakfast.




Next week… The Art of Watching Telly