Smug, scruffy and unfunny

PAV’S PATCH:

THERE are many types of television programme that I dislike, but one that is particularly getting up my nose at the moment is the “Hundred Best or Worst” type thing, usually broadcast on Channel 4 or BBC Three.

What particularly irks me is the drongos they get on them to comment. Many are supposed comedians who would die a thousand deaths if they ever took the stage at a working men’s club.

They are invariably southerners, scruffy, upper middle-class trendy lefties, and from a background which allowed them enough money for a gap year before they took a degree in Chilean origami.

There will always be a couple of Dubliners and at least one American or Australian thrown in.

You know the sort. They tie in with the story about Lord Mandelson attending the Durham Miners’ Gala. Attempting to burnish his working-class credentials by eating in a chippy he is said to have asked for avocado puree (or was it guacamole?) when what he really meant was mushy peas.

Anyway, as my tribute to all these no-hopers, here’s a list of some of the people I heartily dislike.

Catherine Tate: About as funny as watching a coffin warp. Her act, indeed sundry television series, are based on two characters. A savvern schoolgirl who parrots “Am a bovvered?” and an old dear whose only attempt at being funny is to swear.

Compare her with the late Maggie Jones, who played Blanche Hunt in “Coronation Street”. Blanche never swore but was side-splittingly funny with her deadpan put-downs.

Jimmy Carr: Has the sort of smug mug you’d like to wallop with a rancid kipper. I took a dislike to him when he appeared on Eamonn Holmes’s excellent Saturday radio programme, which the BBC axed for no apparent reason.

“That’s a smart suit,” said Eamonn. “Is it one of those you’ve been advertising for Marks and Spencer?” “Oooh no,” replied a clearly disgusted Carr. “This is a proper one I bought with the money M&S paid me. I wouldn’t wear one of theirs”. Well, up yours Jimmy.

I also dislike Peter Kay. I know that probably puts me in a minority of one, but to me he’s just a fat bloke who shouts a lot.

To finish, I’d like to throw in Robbie Williams (I’ve seen better at Lime Street Club, Dukinfield), Simon Cowell (when will you people stop lining his huge pockets?) and Kate Silverton, whose Sunday radio show involves her talking to more of those latte lefty stand-ups.

So who do I like? Les Dawson.