If only there was no ‘just’ in the world

PAV’S PATCH: IF I had to pick a word I don’t like, I suppose it would have to be “just”. Everywhere I go I seem to be surrounded by people saying “just this” or “just that”.

Part of the reason for disliking the word is the Chronicle’s style book, which was given to me on my first day with the paper. It made it quite clear that you should never say “just” when you mean “only”.

Strange things style books.

They seem to have died out but used to tell journalists how words are spelled and used, and had to be obeyed slavishly.

I worked at one newspaper where the style book was in the editor’s mind and you only knew that changes had been made when he shouted at you for getting something wrong.

Anyway, I digress. Let’s get back to “just”. Being on my own, rejected by women, I rarely need to buy huge bags of things. Yet whenever I go into a shop and ask for a single item, the reply I invariably get is “just the one?”

Once, I bought one baking potato and the girl on the check-out thought it was hilarious. “One potato,” she kept saying. “Just one potato?” She should actually have said “Only one potato?” but I didn’t argue the point.

I tried to explain that I lived on my own and had no need of a 5lb bag, but she didn’t understand and as I left shouted: “Enjoy your potato”. I resisted the urge to tell her that at that particular moment I wanted to stick it somewhere other than an oven.

Another time, I went to the building society. I was trying to be thrifty and has scraped together a few quid. I handed it over to the clerk, who held up the note and shouted: “Just £20 is it?”

I quietly replied: “Why, is it not enough?”

Staying on the sales theme, I was in a pub over Christmas and close enough to the bar to hear the orders. Every time someone asked for a coke, the barman came back with: “Will a Pepsi be okay?”

Now I know Pepsi and Coke are different products but coke is a generic term in this country. Why was the barman being so pedantic? After an hour or so I was aching for someone to say: “No, a Pepsi’s not okay. I demand Coca-Cola.”

Finally, two more people from the telly whom I can’t bear: Alan Carr, a so-called comedian with a gob like a piano, and Davina McCall — nice legs, shame about the hyperactivity.