The art of being hygienic

Hygiene wasn’t something that people used to worry about.

Surgeons once shunned the washing of hands and foolish people happily nibbled away at bar snacks.

And it wasn’t just teenage boys who didn’t wash.

In fact, the tradition of a bride carrying a posy of flowers down the isle was originally introduced in an attempt to cover up her smell.

Whatever the Timotei adverts claim, washing in streams and waterfalls doesn’t quite do the trick.

But today germ warfare is big business. The fear of infection, often real and justified, means that numerous products are available which can kill 99 percent of all known germs.

Of course, as there are billions of germs everywhere and as at least one out of every hundred is surviving, there are still billions of them everywhere.

Living only in oxygen tents is a possible solution.

Even then though, if someone’s hit by a surprise sneeze, their futile attempts to belatedly cover their face may not prevent a killer virus slipping through their fingers.

Public toilets are the arch enemy of hygiene freaks and precautionary tales abound. I’m told some women cover the seat with antiseptic spray and line it with paper before hovering.

In the men’s, if you start to wonder about the number people who don’t bother to wash their hands, you can develop a real concern about touching anything while you’re in there. It’s a possible explanation for us sometimes hitting our shoes.

Many a time I’ve looked at the door handle on my way out of a toilet, looked at my clean hands and then looked back at the handle in horror at what I might pick up.

In the end my only option is to grip it with my teeth and yank it open that way. All this germ avoidance isn’t helping our immune system though.

It needs to be challenged to develop properly, hence a big increase in people with aversions to peanuts, sea food and working for a living.

The one thing that flies in the face of society’s new obsession with hygiene is the indisputable fact that filthy women are still very popular with men.

In an attempt to find out how many of the fairer sex are in this category, I surveyed 100 of them and asked which cleaning products they used in the shower.

Most just screamed and said, “What are you doing in my bathroom?” Once out on bail, I was able to analyse the data and found that all but three used carbolic soap or something promising even better skin replenishment.

So… it appears women are a lot cleaner that some men would hope.


Next week: The Art of Sleeping