Town hall plan: turn it into a Town Hall

LIFE AND OTHER BITS:

HAS she won the lottery, held up a bank or opened a network of cannabis farms? Where on earth — or even in heaven — has Lynne Thompson, Miss Whiplash, the money monitor, got hold of £700,000 to mend Oldham Town Hall and stop it falling down?

A couple of weeks ago we were skint, even Charlie was forced to look under the sofa cushions in his penthouse pad at Cheapside (talk about misnaming) for loose change to buy a brew and a vegetarian Jammy Dodger.

Now suddenly we seem to be awash with more money than some small countries — including ours.

Could it be that she’s printed it herself? No wonder they made her money monitor, very handy to know when you’re in the pub and it’s your round.

The plan is to first make the old dear (the town hall not Miss Whiplash) waterproof, presumably in the hope that the pigeons and creatures of the night will move out if they can’t get a drink to wash down the warm vomit they have for supper every night. Sorry about that, it is tea time after all.

Still, better not to ask too many questions or to look a gift horse in the mouth (the source of the windfall, not Miss Whiplash) and start planning now for a gala opening in 2073.

But what will it be?

It would make a good town hall. It looks the part and wouldn’t need as many staff as the civic centre which, unless you work there, is no bad thing.


I HAVE come up with a great business wheeze for Saddleworth . . . taking a truck full of rubber masks, disguises and a face painter to hide the embarrassment of all those folk, who shout and scream that Tesco is the devil and their Greenfield store the gateway to hell and damnation, as they slip into the store for a pound of Fair Trade bananas, oh, and a trolley full of cut-price food and booze.

I mean, is Richard Knowles, Greenfield’s answer to Ian Paisley when it comes to preaching fire and damnation on the evils of mammon represented by the heathen temple of Tesco, going to drive past the Greenfield store to shop at Tesco in Huddersfield Road, Sainsbury’s or Asda?

Or will he drive out of the borough behind darkened glass windows, in the hope of not being recognised as he slips into a supermarket to buy his bottles of pomegranate juice etc?

Not very green for a Lib-Dem and even wearing green wellies won’t hide his carbon footprint.


FINAL WORD: Labour says it has made a manifesto promise to get 3,800 jobless Oldhamers back into work or training. Is it a promise or will it be seen as a threat? And do they seriously think that the 3,800 will vote for them?