No one wants PM — real or a double

LIFE AND OTHER BITS: HERE’S a thought for those of us who are election weary: there’s only one Gordon Brown. In other words you can be sure that the Gordon Brown who was in Oldham this week was the genuine (as in real, rather than honest and sincere) article.

A major agency whose business is finding look-a-likes of celebrities has scoured the country for a double of Gordon Brown but without success (I know, thank the lord there aren’t two of them) but it is, well, unusual.

You might well wonder why anyone would want a double of Gordon, but apparently being so wildly unpopular means that a double could earn a small fortune — probably more than the real thing — for looking glum.

It would be easy with the other two. I mean, if you went into any luxury car showroom you’d meet a smoothie David Cameron or Nick Clegg type persuading you that you could afford the Aston Martin even if it meant selling the wife and kids into slavery.

So why is there not another Gordon Brown? Is he an alien sent down to prepare us for an invasion of gloom? What can we do to persuade the Mother Ship to take him back? Unelected prime minister, Gordon has been virtual PM ever since Tone left.

It’s been a dull old election so far. But there is a conundrum in Oldham East and Saddleworth where Lib-Dem supporters have put up a poster that reads Elwyn to win. Don’t they realise that when simple folk can’t find a Mr Towin on the ballot paper they’ll vote for Phil Woolas. Less simple folk will do that anyway.


HOT on the panting, sweaty, scientific discovery that was Viagra, creating the bedroom version of Himalayan Balsam, damned difficult to get rid off even with the aid of Ken Hulme and his Balsam bashers of Saddleworth, comes another delight for the ladies.

This one is called Prilligy and its role in the mechanics of life is to, as it were, keep the engine that Viagra switched on running, well, for ever.

Now this again shows that all the scientists working in this field — or should that be this king-sized, four-poster double divan — are men.

If women were involved in the science of the everlasting the only things they’d be working on are shops and chocolate. But mainly the quest for the everlasting chocolate bar. Still it would give them the chance to finish Hello magazine, text all their similarly prostrate friends and catch up on some sleep without having to listen to him snoring.


FINAL WORD: If Latics can’t afford to pay their players or attract bigger crowds why not give everyone who pays to enter Boundary Park a number and then, 10 minutes before the kick off, draw 12 numbers out of the chairman’s hat and that’s the team of the day.