Tactical tip: score more than your rivals

The Art of Winning the World Cup:

THE first thing to point out, even though it’s obvious, is that 1966 was a long time ago. A long, long time ago. Most people weren’t even alive then and those who were remember everything except the Technicolor film of Bobby Moore being held aloft at Wembley in black and white.

As usual, England expects and all those fans who’ve travelled to South Africa haven’t gone to see the zebras or to get shot in Cape Town, the murder capital of the world. They’ve gone to watch our boys bring home the cup.

My first bit of advice would be to get to the final and score more goals than the opposition once we’re there. If we’re three up we can start to showboat a bit in the last 10 minutes but until then I’d keep it tight, generally passing the ball to our own players and not mis-controlling it before kicking it out for a corner.

You’re probably thinking I’m getting ahead of myself. You’re thinking we’ve only got three world-class players aren’t you? Wayne Rooney, who might be injured, Steven Gerrard and erm… You’re thinking we’ve only got two world-class players aren’t you? And one of them might be injured.

In that case, let’s forget the tricks — so back heels are completely banned — and pride and passion will be the order of the day. Keep the ball on the floor, chase as if you’re life depends on it and when there’s a chink of net available, get the ball buried. If that doesn’t work, just start booting it and cropping everyone.

At least Beckham’s still going, even if is just to skip on with the water and give the female fans something to lust after. Rooney may score more goals but I can’t really see him modelling in his underpants and he’s running out of hair styling options by the day.

The real fear of all England fans is the dreaded penalty shoot out (I recommend penalties are aimed at an inside corner of the net and not the keeper, the posts, the crossbar or crowd).

But I happen to think that with our track record there won’t be many teams wanting to take us on. The law of averages means we have to win a penalty shoot out at some point in the next millennium and 2010 is as good a year as any to do it. Please god.

Don’t worry. I’ve emailed this to Capello. It’s in the bag.


Next week… The Art of Eating Ice Cream