PAV’S PATCH: Manning and Hunt would sort Britain

OUT of the mouths of babes . . .

I’m referring to my younger son’s comments about the general election. It was the first one of interest to him and, weighing up the results, he suggested it might have been better to bring in an all-star line-up.

That set me thinking. Today’s politicians are spun more than the fluffy centre of a Milky Way.

We might be better to bring in people from literature or entertainment. Let’s face it, they probably qualify as real people more than the mob at Westminster.

I wonder who teases Nick Clegg’s hair into that funky shape? I bet he doesn’t sit on the edge of the bed with a pot of styling putty and then swear at the mirror because he can’t get the shape right. But he must do it himself because the three party leaders are only ordinary blokes, or so they kept telling us.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some of the senior offices of state. For Chancellor of the Exchequer, I’d pick Mr Micawber from “David Copperfield”. After all, he is capable of mastering the basic financial equation: “Annual income £20, annual expenditure £19 9s 6d, result happiness. Annual income £20, annual expenditure £20 0s 6d, result misery.” Should have thought of that Gordon.

Home Secretary? The only person I would put in charge of the police is Det Chief Insp Gene Hunt from “Life on Mars” and “Ashes to Ashes”.

Believe me, his methods might be a little less than politically correct but the crime rate would plummet.

At least he’s on the ball. As far as Hunt’s concerned, if a villain so much as breaks wind in his city his informers should be able to name the bottom responsible.

Oh I do wish I could use some of his better quotes. But this is a family newspaper.

For foreign secretary, maybe Bernard Manning. Whatever your opinion of this move you’ve got to admit that it would make some of those tedious EU meetings rather entertaining. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Bernard met President Sarkozy of France.

The defence secretary would have to be Col Richard Sharpe. Sabres and Baker rifles would cost a lot less than helicopters and the man never loses.

Finally, we need a prime minister. I think Dr Who might be a good choice. As a time traveller he could take us back to when times were good. I’d suggest the 1960s. Okay, television was black and white and there was no broadband, but education was free and it was easy to see a doctor or a dentist.