Listen! I’m talking to you...

THE ART OF AUTHORITY:

If you have to look across the kitchen table and check with your husband or wife if you have any authority, I’m sorry to say that it’s currently absent from your repertoire.

If you’ve got authority then you have a presence, you carry influence and demand respect. It comes with responsibility but that shouldn’t faze you. Your self-belief should shine through, even when you’ve no idea what you’re doing.

When you’re dispensing an opinion, those around you ought to listen. When you say jump, people should really say, “How high boss?”

If you’ve got food stuck in your teeth, people shouldn’t dare laugh and point it out.

You don’t have to frighten people but you do need them to know that you know what’s what and that you know that they know that you know what’s what.

When having authority over a large group, I’d recommend a whistle or a megaphone.

With a whistle you need to blow it so hard that spit flies out of it but not so much that you don’t have the breath to shout immediately afterwards. I only tend to use a megaphone if I’m talking to more than five people.

Once an authority, there are those who’ll be bent on undermining you. At the first sniff of descent you need to crush them. If anyone else pipes up, crush them as well and keep on crushing until it becomes obvious that anyone who questions your authority will just get crushed.

A place where authority is vital is in a family home when you’re dealing with those kiddywinks. One parent tends to have most of it so it’s usually the other one who gets targeted for sweets, money and lifts.

When we were growing up my dad had the kind of foot that got things done when he put it down.

One time when we were really young he was trying to get us ready for school. “Right you lot!” he said, “Coats on, out of the door, now!”

We all did what he said then a few yards down the road I tapped him on the knee.

“Dad?” I said. “Yes, my love?” came the reply. “I haven’t got any shoes on.”



IT’S AN EDUCATION: Believe it or not, a book compiling the best of these columns will be available in all good bookshops and some rubbish ones from September. I’ve signed a multi-pound deal to publish “The Joy of Kev — A Guide to Life in the 21st Century”. Watch this space for more news.


Next week: The art of barbecuing