Helplines that are anything but

PAV’S Patch: I THOUGHT I had just about exhausted all the horrors that telephone helplines could throw at me.

I was convinced that no one could come close to BT, who once kept me waiting for an hour without answering. Or indeed to EDF, who kept telling me my call was important to them and would be answered. And then cut me off dead at 4pm even though I’d been hanging on since 3.30.

Well, despite such abysmal service there are concerns that can run them close and one of them is the tax office.

Recently, I had a minor matter to discuss with HM Revenue and Customs. I rang in the early afternoon and was immediately told it was a very busy period for them.

Anyway, I went through the usual button-pressing malarkey only to be told no advisers were free. And then, suddenly, the line went dead.

I tried again, at around 3pm, at 5.30pm when I got home from work, and it was always the same message. By this point I had learned the automated script by heart and decided to take the robot lady at her word. I attempted to ring at 7.30pm and still got the same message. However, I was so naffed off by this point that I refused to give in. I kept ringing and ringing all the way to 8pm.

Sometimes I got the right set of questions, and sometimes I was asked if I wanted to inquire about my non-taxable car allowance, or whatever. No matter what I did I was still cut off.

Amazingly, I got the same busy message at 8 the following morning although, thank the good Lord, I was not cut off this time and eventually spoke to someone after waiting around 15 minutes.

Now this is not to blame the Revenue staff, as I assume there’s probably around three people dealing with phone calls from the entire North-West. But considering the country needs its tax revenue, and the penalties are dire if you owe so much as a farthing, then why doesn’t the Government invest more in getting the lines answered?

The ordeal has left me with two questions.

Qunstion one. Who on earth supplies those horrible recorded messages so lacking in sincerity? Who is that woman with all the charisma of a speak your weight machine? They might as well employ a dragon rasping: “Push off, we’re busy. Ring back later.”

And question two: Can I claim the cost of all those calls against my next tax return? After all, it would only be fair.