Breaking news — nothing is happening

CHANNEL HOPPING: EXTRAORDINARY tension, high drama and dramatic developments aplenty — people everywhere stayed inside and locked their doors.

Hours turned to days, then days to weeks. As events eventually began to unfold, it finally dawned on us.

Breaking news: The World Cup is over. TV schedules back to normal then . . . or so it seemed.

The real breaking news of course, had been played out some 48 hours earlier in a small Northumberland village — and right in the middle of “The Simpsons”.

It used to be called a news flash. Now it’s a “Turn to Sky News” banner at the foot of the screen.

Ah, good old Rolf Harris news, i.e. the picture is at best a little sketchy but we’re going to run with it anyway . . . can you tell what it is yet?

During the six-hour Raoul Moat stand-off, both Sky and the BBC told us that negotiators were “building up a dialogue.”

“We’re going nowhere,” said a Sky presenter in a short skirt.

Which, in a way, is “Breaking News” to a tee. It’s all very easy on the eye, dressed to the nines, but ultimately, very little happens.

Most bizarre line of the night though on that little moving yellow strap was: “Footballer Paul Gascoigne has arrived at the police cordon, claiming to be Moat’s friend.”




WITH both BBC and ITV showing live World Cup final coverage, the Beeb’s Captain Smugness himself, Gary Lineker, asked: “Which side will you put your faith in?” He needn’t have worried — especially after co-commentator Mark Lawrenson’s reaction to a crazed fan running on to the pitch during the Germany-Spain semi.



Lawro’s “he’s been drinking on an empty head” was priceless and the reason why I tuned in to BBC for the final.




SOAP ROAR: The soon-to-be-late Denise told Duncan Goodhew look-alike Lucas in “EastEnders” that if the police found one of his hairs on murdered Owen’s body, he would be in real trouble. A hair? The Walford rozzers had more chance of finding Britain’s most wanted hiding out in Kath’s Café.






SOAP BORE: Just when kitchen assistant Syed thought it was safe to put a quiche in the oven, having arrived back on Albert Square apparently “cured” of his feelings for Christian, he almost immediately tried to kiss him again. Will this tiresome storyline ever end?