A penny for your thoughts..

Pav’s Patch:

I RECEIVED a novel invitation the other day. My mate Jock rang from Scotland — though I suppose he’d hardly be ringing from Wales, would he?

Turns out he’s getting married next year, I’m invited, and he’s hiring a kilt for me.

Yes, I found it hilarious too. But once I’d stopped laughing I began to consider the mechanics of wearing what is, effectively, a skirt.

For example, what do you really wear under one and how do you relieve yourself? Given that Scots have been wearing these things for centuries I suppose there’s a simple answer.

For my part, I made a few discrete inquiries among my female colleagues and found out that at a wedding, it can take one or even two people to help the bride go to the toilet.

Apparently lads, if she’s wearing one of those huge white meringue things, her mum and the matron of honour will somehow have to squeeze into the cubicle with her and help her to put it over her head.

I assume similar things happen if you’re wearing an evening gown. No doubt the Queen gets help from Baroness Elton, the Lady of the Bedchamber.

What a job eh? Helping the Monarch go for a pickle. But I suppose it has to be done. If a mere bride needs assistance then so much more the head of state.

Of course, women have made toilet visits into something of an art form. I’ve been to the pictures when entire rows of females have got up and pay a visit en-masse. They’ve had me wondering if there’s another film being shown in there.

I’ve been in groups where one female will say to the other “are you coming to the toilet?”

That would never, ever happen with men. They just offer a terse “where’s t’bog?”

Anyway, a 1988 study conducted for Virginia Tech shows that women spend an average of three minutes on a toilet trip whereas men manage in only 83.6 seconds.

Another study, which looked at the time people spend in the cubicles, found that males take about 40 seconds while women can take as long as 97.

I could be charitable, but then again it’s worth noting that men don’t head to the loo for a chat or to sort out their make-up.

So, women are taking twice as long. And smoking women must snatch even more minutes.

How much work time do they use as opposed to men?

Frankly, it’s time men got equal rights. I suggest giving them free copies of newspapers to read while answering nature’s call.