Beware of the bogeyman

THE Art of PICKING YOUR NOSE:

There are some things in this life that everyone does on occasion even though they wouldn’t like to admit it.

To be accused of such a thing would have many people red-faced and coughing a denial but when caught in the act, with a forefinger lodged up a nostril, it’s difficult to plead not guilty to picking your nose.

Research suggests that most people pick their nose on average four times a day. Despite polite society’s disapproval, it’s an activity which has been honoured with its own rhyme.

“Pick it, lick it, roll it, flick it” somehow manages to capture the artistry of a good pick while also accurately conveying the necessary urgency to discard the evidence.

It’s likely you’ll be notified of the presence of a Jimmy Crow up your snozzel by the tickle of tiny hairs. If twitching your nose doesn’t subdue the urge to investigate, you need to find a place where you can have a root around without being spotted.

Circumstance may mean that isn’t possible and, frozen by fear, the horrifying thought that you’ve got a big bogey clearly visible will become increasingly deafening.

If the coast is clear, I suggest beginning a pick tentatively, circling the inner nostril area until you locate the rogue intruder.

Hook with fingernail and retrieve before holding it up to the light for momentary admiration.

Dispensing with Jimmys was a lot easier in the days when everyone had woodchip wallpaper but even back then, I would always recommend a flick where possible.

Sometimes, even after a bout of aggressive flicking, the bogey will remain glued to your nail.

Stay calm, move it to another finger, push that fingernail hard into your thumb and then release. That should do the trick.

If a safe haven isn’t likely to become available, you may be required to employ the emergency pick. This is a covert operation for when you’re in company and it needs to be swift and targeted in the moments when people have their back turned. It’s a brave picker indeed who has more than three attempts.

If you do get caught you can pretend to be itching your nose but really, they know and you know and they know that you know that they know. Most people will let it pass with a knowing smile but it may be that they can’t resist commenting.

“Have you lost something up there, Mr Fitzpatrick?” I was once asked as an awkward moment ensued. It wasn’t the best start to job interview really.




Next week . . . The Art of Clothes Shopping.