The burning issues of morning television

PAV’S PATCH: THE next time I have a week off I’m going to do something I haven’t done in more than 20 years — watch morning television. I have become very curious about the people who occupy the early-morning sofas, dispensing wisdom to the masses.

My day usually starts with the “Today” programme on BBC Radio 4, listening to John Humphrys and Jim Naughtie trying in vain to get a politician — of any colour — to answer a question. The Westminster mob do nothing but dodge the issue yet insist they are being entirely open.

The last time I saw breakfast telly it was being hosted by people like Anne Diamond and Selina Scott. Aah Selina. She was real posh totty. Whatever happened to her?

Anyway, the reason I have become interested in morning shows is because of the magazines I see whenever I’m queuing to buy a butty. Their colourful front covers scream out information. I never realised such a tiny group of very well-paid people could have so much tragedy in their lives.

One person who seems to suffer quite badly is Fern Britton who, coincidentally, used to appear on breakfast television back in the 1980s. Deary me she’s had a hard time. I’ve no idea what happened to her but the mags tell me she’s very brave and has overcome heartbreak on many occasions. I imagine she must have completed a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

But Fern is outdone by Kerry Katona, Peter Andre and, of course, Jordan — AKA Katie Price. Can three such cardboard people really merit such saturation coverage? It feels like they have never been out of the headlines since they were on “I’m a Celebrity” in 2004. Is anyone really interested? Perhaps I should watch Living TV and find out.

Another programme I’m going to make a point of watching is “Loose Women”, an ITV offering which the former Mrs P used to like.

I was going to mention a front cover which announced “Bridezilla! It’s my wedding”. Apparently one of the presenters is being entirely selfish and power-crazed by demanding that she has a say in the arrangements for her big day. Totally out of order.

However, as I Googled the programme to find out which channel broadcasts it, I came across the statement “Corinne Nolan blowing a vuvuzuela”.

More research revealed discussion of burning issues such as “do you hate August?” and “is it okay for a bloke to blub over a film?”.

How on earth could the “Today” programme compete?