A hellish experience, however you dress it up

THE ART OF CLOTHES SHOPPING: We all need clothes but depending on your point of view, and generally on your level of oestrogen, your enthusiasm for purchasing them will vary hugely. Heaven and hell can indeed be the same place.

For me, clothes shopping is hell. I just want to get in there, get the job done and get out but I can’t even get the basics right. I went shopping recently and asked if I could try on a shirt in the window. The attendant said: “Not really. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”

If shopping on my own is an ordeal, going with my wife is torture. I spend my time stumbling through shops in desperate need of something to lean on. I nod in sympathy and understanding to other men as our thoughts of self-pity are drowned out by the sound of hangers screeching along rails.

The only time I don’t look miserable is when I’m in the women’s underwear section and I’m fighting the urge to grin. I have to really concentrate on a big pair of support knickers to settle my nerves.

On the other hand, you’ll find most women are of the opinion that retail is therapy of the heavenly kind. Whether they’re shopping on their own or with friends you’ll see them smiling with eyes alight. They’re scanning, they’re holding things up and trying them on. They’re “ooh-ing” and “ahh-ing” and nodding compliments at each other.

Then, three hours later, they’ll go back and buy the first thing they saw.

They’ll happily shop for the pleasure of shopping but it’s even more fun if they actually need something. Mission accepted.

Of course, all this shopping comes at a cost and while modern women do pride themselves on running up their own credit cards, it’s still nice to be treated.

A pal of mine let his wife head into Manchester with his credit card, fearing the worst, but unfortunately she had her purse stolen.

He said he didn’t report it to the police though because he was quids in. Apparently, whoever was using it was spending less than she did.




Book signing: I’ll be signing copies of “The Joy of Kev — an indispensible guide to modern living” at the Oldham Chronicle offices on Wednesday between 11am and 1pm. Comedian Dave Spikey says it’s “strangely funny — like a monkey on a bike.”






Next week: The Art of Taking Things Literally.