A smelly blue is a sure sign of class

The art of... CHEESE BOARDING: IF you only tend to enjoy the pleasures of a cheese board once a year, it’s likely to be after your Christmas dinner because, if nothing else, the saviour’s day is about eating so much that you can no longer move.

When, four courses in, the host enthusiastically says, “Cheese anyone?” you may be thinking how ironic it is that last Tuesday, following a light tea, you were rooting in the cupboards for something to fill you up. If only you could share this moment with that other you.

The job of a cheese board is to add a touch of class and half a stone of milk-based stodge to an occasion.

It should arrive around the time when conversation turns to high-minded topics such as philosophy, literature and the debate about whether Ashley should have been killed off in “Coronation Street”.

“What’s that?” is a question which is likely to follow. “It’s either Edam or a big Babybel,” you may well reply or, if you’re sophisticated and they’re pointing at something with veins in, you may be inclined to counter, “Don’t know but it’s made my fridge stink.”

I plan on serving between three and five cheeses and aim for variety in taste, texture and appearance. Having something with mould on is essential, even if no-one touches it. This can be what’s known as a blue cheese or some chedder which has gone off.

It’s handy if you can use a proper cheese knife with a forky bit on the end but the really fancy will have one of those guillotine-style wire cheese cutters which still looks brand new because it’s only been used once a year since they bought it in the eighties.

Apples, grapes or a gallon of wine will titillate the taste buds and add a certain je ne ce quoi, while a range of biscuits will help water things down.

Crackers should be buttered before you attempt to cover the entire surface with neatly sliced cheese.

Hold the cracker with two hands, bite and attempt to catch all the pieces as it disintegrates before you gracefully shove the lot in.

Then, as others look on, wondering if the cheese you’ve tried really does taste like smelly feet, you can mumble, “It’s lovely.”

As I say, a cheese board really can add a touch of class to an occasion.


Next time… The Art of Multi-tasking